i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
