for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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