Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
