I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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