i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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