to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
