By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
