i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
