I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
