this beer tastes like vomit already
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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