I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
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