I'm pants shitting drunk right now
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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