what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
True college students do jello shots in the library
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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