i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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