She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
