I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
