The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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