have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
