Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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