You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
