Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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