i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
