Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
