A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
