My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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