you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
