Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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