I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
