Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
