How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
