I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
