just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
