I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
