five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
