dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
How does one acquire holy water?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
