nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
