I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
