i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
