I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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