I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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