The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Operation Purity has been aborted
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
