OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
she woke up with a sticky ear
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I did not marry a roomba.
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