Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
