Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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