I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
