Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
