I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
