if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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