why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
