I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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