Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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