I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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