Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Randomize
